the devils of fate (i find putting the title of this entry significant, because of how strange it is that i gave it that title that night, as if i knew how this would turn out?)
on the floor
of my bedroom. my laptop to the right of me my keyboard to the left. i go back and forth between communicating with people and playing “the scientist”. i’m not alone though, my obnoxious “puppy” who weighs more than me is behind me, watching and panting. strange. i think my cat is going blind and it really scares me, my mom just says, “she’s getting old, it happens”, but i don’t see how you could say such a statement so casually. i don’t want to get old, i don’t want to go blind. a friend asked me tonight if i’m excited for it, for an eye full of blue, i just shrugged. as if i was uncertain? of course i’m not excited. but i doubt it will even happen, so i’m not going to worry about that just yet. this friend, before he came over i swear i spent an hour getting ready, not just myself, but my bathroom, my room, every little detail i made perfect, and it confuses me, because i’ve never really done that for anybody before. i’ve never cared that much. but for some reason i wanted everything to be perfect. and it was pretty close. the one thing i didn’t prepare for was the awkward energy, but it really wasn’t that bad. the whole night wasn’t that bad. aside from how clumsy i was. sure i’m not exactly graceful most days, but especially not when he’s around. as soon as he pulled into the driveway it started. the storm was pretty bad tonight and it was pouring down rain so i got the umbrella and went out to walk him to the house. first step. umbrella flips. inside out. there i am. pouring down rain. lighting. i’m holding a rod. soaked. i swing the umbrella about like a mad woman. because that’s what i am. and stomp back under the doorway. after minutes of struggle i fix it. i walk out. realize i’m barefoot once i feel the mud in between my toes. the toes of my clean feet. so much for the hour shower. it’s cold. so am i. he gets out and runs up behind me. the umbrella isn’t that big, which made him have to come close for shelter. he came close to me for shelter. and i sheltered him. god i would have sheltered him all night. but we ran inside. later he came close to me for reach of my keyboard. he played the song i cried to the night before. but i didn’t let him know that, i just told him that it sounded beautiful that night with the city lights and the fireworks and what not. but in a way it sounded even more beautiful coming from him…and he didn’t even really know how to play it. then there was the conversation about my eyes. when he heard about my birth defect he immediatly grabbed my face in his hands. i got so nervous from the contact and closeness i stopped breathing. i don’t think he knows i stopped breathing. but i did. and to this second my physical reaction still has me stumped. i brought my hands to my lips. sheilding my mouth. i don’t know what it was. restraint? maybe. he stared in my eyes. told me how amazing it was. and i still wish he would have told me how amazing i was. an hour fixing my room and now it’s a mess. an hour fixing myself and now i’m a mess. i’m a mess…oh god i am a mess.
